J I did yearn to write to you since the day I got your reply in June. The core reason of this hesitant writing is that my thoughts keep drifting. I'm sitting here typing in the hopes that it will loosen up my brains somewhat. Sadly, unable to focus. The art of thinking is, to a certain extent, taxing. There is a humongous difference between the philosophical definition of thinking, and thinking in practical use.
So let’s drop our supposed intellectual conversation we used to talk about. =p Today is my first day waking up in my own bed after a one week trip in China (Beijing- Tianjin). It was also my first family trip to overseas. Turned out to be a humongous disaster I can only blame myself for tagging along. Not sure of the condition of your family but mine is a perfect camouflage of the inevitable malfunction kind. Mom- paranoid/ unenthusiastic type, Dad- ego pessimist, Sis – Hitler, Brother in law- the helpless mediator. I- the unattached Bohemian lost in my own entanglement. Every one of us has a different holiday motive and when we tried to embrace everything together; we fell into everything we told ourselves we should never ever be. This particular incident would forever etched in my memory: Sis and I were in friction and she created quite a scene in the train station. She threw the itinerary list at me just because I wanted to know where we were heading next. Shouted " Stop speaking ur F***ing english at me!"- in front of all the Chinese passer bys. Lolz.
Looking back, it was quite laughable recalling their stunt reaction and shocked faces. The officer thought we had difficulty buying tickets off the machine. But my emotion precisely at the moment was infiltrated with rage and humiliation. Felt like packing and dashed off somewhere by my own. Worst still, dad was always on her side resulting in getting a double blow from those two. Are you the eldest sibling in the family? ‘Cuz if you are, you probably won’t understand the oppressed status a younger sibling would feel. Everything I do or say is regarded as irrelevant to life in general. Maybe it’s just my family.
Anyway, after the squabble, the two of us held on to our pride, refused to talk. I decided to return to Swissotel by the subway train (the Beijing subway lines were numerous and freaking awesome btw) and they were heading the other direction. At the turning point when I said my solemn goodbye (grudgingly), sis uttered a quick soft acknowledgment. She said “Be careful, don’t get lost…”
The collision of remorse seeping in the gaps of our distance was so assuring I had to make a nano-second turn to prevent her from seeing my eyes streamed with tears to accompany my stumbling stagger down my own lonely path. My constant repression and the longing to be understood was twisted, spun and pressed like magnets flipped one way and then the other; pole to pole trembling in the things we knew together, in things that we learned the same halfway round the world. I wanted to tell her I love her at the precise moment.
That AirAsia flight was very unstable when it took off. The plane gravitated a few metres down out of a sudden and people started screaming of fear. I tot that was the end… But oh well, unshakeable exp; I lived, morbid thought cropped in: what do you think dying is like?
Going away this weekend for another family plus relatives gathering; namely to a wedding dinner in Ipoh. So take time replying. =p
Life is always scheduled, isn’t it. Even your supposed WEDDING day. I never did like ceremonies. The Yammmm Seng kind.
[ recalling you saying stg about expectation and eagerness]. It’s nice a change if one can suppress that level of expectation… for weddings, for falling in love.
well firstly im sorry about ur trip and how it turned out, but to ur surprise im not reli sorry about ur family..it feels kinda normal, how u described ur family, a lot of ppl i know 'suffer' families like those, but lemme tell u a bit abt mine.
i dont talk to them.period.
haha, i duno much abt my family members, ive never reli asked abt their day, asked abt their history, asked abt anytg actually. weeks, months, and before i knew it, years went by with nothin much said, ntg much expressed, ntg much enquired. and before i realised, it became too late to actually start or begin anytg. there is tis 'ego' i have in front of my family, tis ego not found in action anywhere else BUT my family. whenever i think abt startin somthin (ie conversations) id retreat, thinking 'we've been quiet for so long, if i speak up now itd be weird, itd look so obvious tat im doin something, itd b awkward' and stuff lidat.
anger/hate/biasness is not the opposite of love.
only indifference is. Im not sayin i dun love my family and tat they do not love me, id take a bullet for them in a heartbeat. wat im sayin is, ur family does love u. ive seen love manifest in a heck lotta different forms but the only way where love is absent, is indifference. pure, cold, indifference. if they scold u, have cold remarks, brutal lashings, or wateva it is, its cos they actually bothered to put an amount of effort into wateva it could be. instead of none at all.
abt the trip resultin in such a fashion, i can only see one reason. first trip together overseas - expectations and eagerness - surely developed, but each individual developed it into one direction (of cos no one's at fault cos tis is not a wrong, its perfectly normal n healthy) therefore when these directions were threatened..well imagine someone tellin u christ does not exist (but not on such a magnitude) u would feel somethin shake to the very core, just like the directions they built on expectations and eagerness. if one is perfectly impartial to the objectives of the trip then ntg would b wrong would there _________________________________________________________________________________________ J
-they actually bothered to put an amount of effort into wateva it could be. instead of none at all.-
U know, that is really comforting. Took me a while to digest this overwhelming contradiction. Thanks for re-awakening this consciousness in me. Mean it. It is neither a logical, nor an illogical, inference from the facts of experience; if we did not bring it to our experience we could not find it there would we.
It is for ppl we care nothing about that we demand happiness on any terms. Like what you point out in my family, they would rather rebuke and condemn and see me “suffer” thinking otherwise in the most inexorable loving sense. Not that it is perfect; if I believe God is love, I must conclude any conception of love needs correction irregardless of how perfectly normal it seems.
Your family condition tells me something about your conception of love: by not doing/saying much for your family BUT when crisis arises, you’d not think twice to sacrifice your life in exchange of theirs. It sounds normal and I want so much to agree and rejoice in such honorable thought. But what is love if it contains a certain fundamental indifference to its subject? In your case, tho u say u love ur family, I think the context here would be kindness and not love. Kindness, merely as such, cares not whether its subject becomes good or bad, provided that it escapes suffering or sorrow. No doubt would I feel awkward too in ur position… but I really think it’s plain silly for ego to take place in family aye?U would prolly disagree; but with all respect and lovingness, wipe that kindness off ur subconscious ness and ease that tot of awkwardness. It’s not chess. Don’t think ahead of what might have happened. “Just do it” =p U don’t have to strike a sudden conversation out of nowhere… I’m sure you know how to so don’t delay this act of love! =p
Funny how u make me appreciate mine and how I want u to see that you have a part to play too in urs.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________ * Mails are edited and abridged for blogging purpose on FAMILY. <!--[endif]-->
